How to age on the internet: don't
JORDAN: In last week’s conversation, I talked about this moment at a dinner when one of my friends, who happens to be an influencer, basically said that we’re all going to have to invest in cosmetic procedures or else we’ll be “left behind.”
It really stuck with me because I’m someone who is not at all interested in doing this and I realized as a community, as women, as a culture – we’re not having enough conversations about these pressures. Or at least, I don’t feel satisfied by the conversations we are having. I wanted to start paying closer attention to how fear of aging was showing up in the influencer industry, and unfortunately, I’ve noticed that it comes up constantly.
FORD: I think the fact that this moment meant anything to you in the first place is because you are paying closer attention though. In your 30s you start to see these signs of aging and naturally, you look to your community for reassuring signals. Instead what you got in this moment were signals of danger and shame – which is really the larger cultural signal we’re all getting. It doesn’t start or end at that table of influencers, but that table does have an outsized ability to affect the larger trend. I just wish they saw that as a viable option and not as career suicide... What do you think it will take to start that trend?
JORDAN: I guess it starts with reassuring ourselves and each other that we don’t need it – that we’ll be just fine if we don’t partake in what the industry is normalizing. I think it’s correcting some of this negative self-talk, which I’ve been trying to be better at. For example a friend was making a joke the other day, saying “we’ve got 5 years left in us” – referring to this assumption that we’re aging out of the industry. I kind of just laughed and nodded my head in understanding, but what I should have said is, that’s not true – we don’t have to go away just because we’re aging. On the other hand, just because we don’t go away doesn’t mean there will be work for us. My friend was also saying she takes as many jobs as possible because she’s not sure the offers will still be coming in a few years… I can’t say that I am any more confident.
FORD: Yea, well, there’s not a ton of evidence at this point to suggest otherwise. I agree there can be an important ripple effect when you check the self-talk and challenge assumptions – but if the system you’re working in doesn’t truly value older women then it’s not enough to materially change things. We’re beginning to see a little bit of representation from brands and media, but I feel like I see the same handful of over-50 influencers and models time and time again – at least in beauty and fashion. They’re freakishly hot and cool and the message I’m getting is like – okay so these few women are acceptable to look at but we haven’t found anyone else yet. It’s not comforting any of my aging anxiety, and it obviously isn’t convincing influencers like yourself or your friend that there’s a huge career trajectory ahead. But I guess we have to start somewhere?
JORDAN: Yeah, I know exactly which influencers you’re talking about, sadly enough. But I work a lot on the brand side, too, and it is genuinely more difficult to find these influencers in the 40+ range. Is it because there’s not enough work for them? Or they’re bowing out at 40? Or they’re not getting into this kind of career in the first place because we see it as a space for only very young women? I don’t know the answer, but it’s such a shame because I keep hearing women in my circle say they found their rhythm and confidence in their 30s, 40s and beyond – yet we see so little of it. Have you run into the same issue as a creative director?
FORD: Definitely. What’s interesting is that women who are like 75+ sort of “came into fashion” (horrible language for any human being) in the last ten years, with documentaries on people like Iris Apfel, Celine ads with Joan Didion, blogs like Advanced Style… So I’ve been in casting situations where I’ll get sent 20 year olds and if I ask for older I’ll get late 70s/early 80s and nothing in between. Which is a bummer because I myself am 31 and… apparently moving into a long dark void? Ready to reappear when I’m old enough for people to find me adorable?
“To make it happen it truly takes a whole line of people who care enough to push for it…and even then you still see breakdowns in the process.”
Another issue is that a lot of brands, especially start-ups, are working with aggressive timelines so casting sometimes happens last minute. If a casting director is sending you 30 women in their 20s and 3 women in the entire 40+ range, and you don’t have another day to push for more options, then you’re not in a good position. And it’s never just one person making the decision. It’s the photographer, the creative director, the brand, the makeup artist, etc. To make it happen it truly takes a whole line of people who care enough to push for it, who take the additional time and make the additional effort – and even then you still see breakdowns in the process. Thankfully there are new agencies popping up, and people who are starting to push for these changes, but I think we have a ways to go, and I’m definitely still learning how to deal with the whole thing.
JORDAN: I’m finishing up the book The Beauty Myth right now and I’m currently on the chapter that focuses on age so I pulled a few quotes to prep for our conversation. Here’s one that stood out: “The world is run by old men; but old women are erased from the culture… Women have face-lifts in a society in which women without them appear to vanish from sight.” This was written in 1991 and it’s disturbing how applicable so much of this still is — probably even more so.
FORD: Oh man, I know. I wish it weren’t so. It’s weird because on one hand I understand why women work so hard to adhere to all these beauty standards, because it does transfer power in so many ways. But on the other hand I find it shocking that we’re so willing to accept the fact that no one is telling men they need to do the same in order to earn power.
I know a 60-something woman who was able to go to one of the best cosmetic surgeons to get a facelift. Once she did, she noticed a big difference in the reception she got from men – basically she could take her pick of any guy in her dating pool. This gave her a sort of power, I guess. She was definitely rewarded – she married soon after – but she had to go through an extreme procedure, a painful recovery, and it cost her an exorbitant amount of money and time. In our culture this makes her powerful and privileged. But what kind of power and privilege is that?
JORDAN: I don’t think that’s the kind that I want. This goes back to those hidden costs we’re always talking about. How everyday we see celebrities, influencers, women in general on social media who have felt that need to spend thousands of dollars on procedures to make them look younger, and in their eyes, more beautiful. And most of the conversations around these procedures are about the results – how you’ll look afterwards, how it can benefit you, how it can make your life better… But we don’t really talk about the costs, not just financially or physically, but also emotionally. Those negative thoughts and feelings of dissatisfaction that led to the decision in the first place… Conversations around procedures are becoming so normalized, but I wish conversations around the vulnerabilities that lead to these procedures would become normalized too. Here’s one more Beauty Myth quote that really rang true to me on this—
“Whether or not a woman ever undergoes cosmetic surgery, her mind is now being shaped by its existence. The expectation of surgery will continue to rise. As soon as enough women are altered and critical mass is reached so that too many women look like the ‘ideal,’ the ‘ideal’ will always shift… New possibilities for women quickly become new obligations.”
FORD: I’m happy you’re sharing that quote because it really hits on this notion of “choice.” To circle back to where this all started, your influencer friend said — we all “have” to get this work done “or else” we’ll get left behind. It’s pretty clear from the wording that this doesn’t feel like a choice, and I don’t think it feels like a choice for a lot of women – influencer or not. Once you hit that “critical mass,” not getting work done feels more like an act of rebellion, with your face becoming a sort of “fuck you.” That’s assuming you have the money to even consider the option in the first place, which most people don’t, so again, I’m not sure what kind of choice that is.
JORDAN: I don’t want my face to be seen as an act of rebellion. I look at my mom and my aunts and my cousins and my friends, most of whom have never had anything done and I don’t see their faces as this social stance. I see them as they are. And I guess I hope those in the future afford that same courtesy to women who choose not to go the route of botox or fillers or procedures to look younger. As it becomes more popular to do these things, our idea of what a 40 or 50-year-old looks like becomes skewed. And it’s really sad to me that people really feel like they have no choice but to keep up with that.
“As it becomes more popular to do these things, our idea of what a 40 or 50-year-old looks like becomes skewed.”
FORD: Of course it depends on our environment, who we’re surrounded by, money, access, all these things. I have sisters in Buffalo who don’t feel the same level of pressure I do living in Los Angeles and working in the beauty industry. But my sister here in LA called me up at some point last year and asked if I had any skincare advice – she’s in her mid-thirties and thought it was time to take better care of her skin. She’d already asked around to her friends and a bunch of them advised Botox. I feel I need to point out the obvious here – Botox is a toxin that paralyzes facial muscles, so the fact that women are becoming so comfortable with this practice that it’s now falling into people’s skin-care advice is pretty alarming. But my sister hadn’t ruled it out yet when she called to ask for my advice, and I think this moment, for me, was similar to your moment at that table of influencers. It shook me a bit, first because it wasn’t something I’d thought about yet, but also because, really, my sister is the “influencer” in my life. I don’t follow people online anymore, so it’s my intimate relationships that have the biggest effect on me. Ultimately I’ll make the final call for myself, but we can’t deny the way the world around us affects even the most thought-through decisions. So I know we started this conversation talking about what an impact that table of influencers could have on this trend, but I think it’s also important to acknowledge how much of an impact even just one person has.
I know resisting this stuff is hard, and there are real, material rewards for adhering to beauty standards — but maybe we need to remind ourselves of the benefits of not adhering? Women – like us – are looking for examples. Looking for those reassuring signals, like, yes it’s ok to opt out. Maybe it’s worth being that signal for someone? Maybe it’s worth finding out what happens when you send that signal to yourself?
JORDAN: Maybe we’d start to see how all of these procedures feed the same beauty standard that made us unhappy in the first place – and then instead of spending our time and money on trying to stop the aging process, we could spend that energy on enjoying it.
Discussion Questions
To start conversations with yourself and those around you.
What is my relationship with aging? Who are the people in my life that influence this outlook?
Are there opportunities where I can cut back on talking about my age in a degrading or limiting way?
What are the benefits age has brought me? Wisdom? Experience? Adventure? How can I celebrate those things instead of worrying about the physical aspects of aging?
Why is it that “wrinkles, smile and laugh lines — markers of a life that’s been lived (fully, joyfully) beyond your 20s and 30s”— are seen as problems rather than something to celebrate?
What makes me feel bad about aging? How can I limit my exposure to those factors? Can I edit who I follow on social media? Can I surround myself with people in real life who engage in more positive self-talk?
Suggested Reading:
Articles
Asking for Botox has been normalised, so what happens now? by Eva Wiseman
Generation Lifeless by Jessica DeFino
Books
Beauty Sick by Dr. Renee Engeln
Audio