In case you missed it, we recently put out a piece called 21 questions to ask about your life on the internet. The idea was to create a tool that people could use to check in with their internet habits and see what's working and what's not. Most of all though, we really wanted this to be a conversation-starter — because often the things that we're struggling with on the internet are the things that don't get talked about enough on the internet. So we asked a bunch of women in our community to get this conversation going. Here is what they had to say about their life on the internet this year.
Maya Moore, amputee & model, disability visibility advocate: I never know where I stand with social media. I at times feel like I'm back in middle school on one of those lists where the guys rate you zero to ten, based on your best assets. And I'm at the top of the list only to fall five spots the following month.
Neada Deters, founder of LESSE: It is strange to think about social media being this space where only one dimension of who you are is really present.
Patricia Lagmay, art director and stylist: I think the parts of myself that come across on social media are that… I have everything figured out (laughs). And I definitely don't.
Julia Comil, fashion blogger: I think the internet has given me access to more diverse points of view, and it really helps me to be more considerate.
Beverley Imeson, education welfare officer: As someone who didn't grow up surrounded by social media, my relationship with it isn't, I feel, as all-consuming as with the younger generation.
Anna, high school student: Um, so I spend approximately six hours a day on my phone… I was really shocked to see that number because I didn't realize how much I was on my phone. And this is just talking about my phone, not even my computer when I'm doing my schoolwork. So I definitely feel like that's a really absurd amount of time to be looking at a screen.
Ford / How to be a Woman on the Internet: [introduction repeated from above] In case you missed it, we recently put out a piece called 21 questions to ask about your life on the internet. The idea was to create a tool that people can use to check in with their internet habits and see what's working and what's not. Most of all though, we really wanted this to be a conversation-starter, because often the things that we're struggling with on the internet, are the things that don't get talked about enough on the internet. So we asked a bunch of women in our community to get this conversation going. Here is what they had to say about their life on the internet this year.
Maya Moore: Why are you on social media? I'd say loneliness and fomo were my original motivating factors. I'd like to think that it's evolved into a desire to seek and build community around my intersectionality – especially as a disabled person. I think I felt lonely as a Black woman and as a queer person throughout most of my life. But loneliness as a disabled person hits different, for lack of a better description. I felt disillusioned from my friends, family, romantic partners and peers in a way that prompted me to grasp at any outlet creative or otherwise to express myself. Instagram fed that need at the time and is now a way for me to express myself and create the content I wish I had throughout my disability journey. I want to spam my corner of the internet with pictures of disabled people living well, stylishly and rebelliously. Kind of like a disability mood board.
Suzanne Shade, founder of Bare Hands: I really love this question about describing your online relationship as a partner. I think there's so many similarities. I mean, besides physical affection, those relationships are the same. You seek validation, it satisfies your intellectual curiosity, [it makes] you [feel] seen. I think this is why we're all so attracted to our online communities. We need it in a way we need close relationships.
“I feel like my social media is a childhood best friend that I've known forever. And she's been here through the worst of times, through the best of times, but that doesn't necessarily mean we're always close. It doesn't always necessarily mean that our relationship is the healthiest, or that we need to be in each other's lives.”
Sara Li, writer and editorial director: I feel like my social media is a childhood best friend that I've known forever. She's been here through the worst of times, through the best of times, but that doesn't necessarily mean we're always close. It doesn't always necessarily mean that our relationship is the healthiest, or that we need to be in each other's lives. And I am learning to be okay with letting the flux be what it is. And I'm really, really hoping that as we both progress, as algorithms change and as culture shifts, and as I grow into who I'm supposed to be, that we can find a natural way back to each other.
Maya Moore: I felt like I've outgrown our relationship too many times to count, but the potential keeps me hooked. It's the toxic relationship that I'm too ashamed to mention to my therapist because I somehow still feel like I have the upper hand. It's bad, but it's not. It's shallow, but it isn't. It's draining but it's fulfilling. I feel irrevocably obsessed with them. But I also know this can't be healthy long term. I know they're seeing other people that I feel almost in competition with. But I feel like the things that make me different give me an edge like everyone else.
Ford: This one's going out to you, Jordan. If your choice social media platform shut down tomorrow, how would that affect your life?
Jordan / How to be a Woman on the Internet: (laughs) What was it? How to lose all my money in 10 days, or something? (laughs) How to be a broke woman on the internet – how to be a broke woman.
Patricia Lagmay: I didn't realize until very recently, as weird as this sounds, but a lot of my jobs have come through Instagram…
Julia Comil: It will be challenging at first, as a major portion of my income is from one social media platform. Plus, not being able to connect with my community would sadden me.
Patricia Lagmay: I would gain a significant part of my life back. Not so much, I think because I'm on it a ton. But because of how much mental space it takes up without me even realizing it, a lot of my work and how I approach my work is affected by Instagram, or is guided by Instagram, however indirectly. And I think that consumes a lot of mental space that maybe if I didn't have all of that info in my head, I would be more creative. And I would not feel as limited, because I wouldn't be aware of what else was going on and so I would just be doing my own thing and experimenting.
Jordan: I mean, honestly, it's hard for me to think of myself without social media at this point. But yeah, I would figure it out. It’s kind like when Instagram shut off for that one day and everyone was freaking out – I kind of felt relieved. So I probably would feel that same way. Fear, relieved, and also excited to have something else to fill my time with.
Sara Li: If every single social media platform shut down tomorrow, I would call my friends on the phone and ask them to get brunch, and I would ask them about their day, because I would have no idea what they did all day. And I really, really miss that part of our lives. When I didn't know what coffee shop my best friend went to that morning, or what podcast they were listening to, and I can actually find that out through organic conversations. So frankly, I think if Instagram, let's say Instagram shuts down tomorrow, I think I would talk with my friends more, which is very, very sad.
Ford: I'm curious what you think about that one.
Jordan: I actually have a friend who deleted her Instagram, because she was feeling a lot of fomo from having it, and she realized that she wasn't asking her friends questions, because she would just see it all on Instagram stories. So she didn't feel like she had anything to ask or to say I guess. And since deleting her Instagram, she sends photos to her parents and her friends and gives them inreal life updates on what she's doing. And it feels a lot more personal that way. So yeah, I definitely get what Sara's saying, and I think I probably would feel the exact same way.
Ford: All right, this next question is – what's one account you most enjoyed following this year and why?
Julia Comil: So this year, I discovered the account of the actress Philippine Leroy-Beaulieu. She is a French actress, and she plays Sylvie in the TV show ‘Emily in Paris’ – the TV show is on Netflix, and it became famous worldwide. I love how she was able to stay sharp and relevant, and use this international recognition to get more opportunities, more fashion campaigns, more interviews, more fashion editorials, and it was very refreshing to see a middle aged woman able to seize this moment.
Jordan: What about you, Ford? What's one account that you followed this year?
Ford: Well, I actually unfollowed everyone this year, I think because I just needed a reset. I found that it didn't really matter how well I curated who I followed, just following anyone gave me a reason to impulsively check my feed. And what worried me is that I found myself doing that in really challenging moments – whether it was creatively, professionally, emotionally – it was sort of serving as a cop out in those moments. So yeah, there might have been certain content that I wasn't liking anymore, but it was really more about making sure that I was facing myself and not using social media to get out of hard moments.
But let's cut to Annie because she had a great take on this.
Annie Tomlin, writer: So this year I unfollowed this parenting expert who is very popular – Dr. Becky – she has a million and a half followers, and she has good advice – the problem was, whenever her posts came up in my Instagram feed, I went into this little – not a spiral but more like an eddy – of wondering if I was doing a good enough job parenting my kids because she has a lot of ideas of how you can say things well or how you can handle your stress. And the truth is – I'm doing my best, I think I'm a pretty good parent, but it just felt like this weird little nag to me like, you could be doing better… And I'm doing the best I can.
Ford: I think Annie really just pointed to the problem we all – I'm pretty sure – have with social media, mom or not. And I think it's such a good distinction to make that it's not the content itself that's often harmful, although it can be. It's just the presence of so much information, so many different people, so many different opinions, and a lot of things to measure yourself up against. The medium itself is just really overwhelming, which is why, for me, following zero people was really good. Because it didn't mean that I didn't use social media, it just meant that I checked in on accounts at my own pace, and I got to see how it felt to not be habitually fed stuff that I may have vaguely consented to at some point that I no longer even remember.
Jordan: Yeah, and I liked what you said about, you don't want to be fed stuff. I think that's definitely been my approach when I unfollowed accounts this year. A lot of the accounts I unfollowed were mostly, you know, stunning models, and celebrities and influencers. And sometimes I pop into their pages from time to time for fashion inspo, or travel ideas and whatnot. But I think seeing some of their content on a daily basis really led me into a rabbit hole of comparison and self consciousness and insecurities. And I had to really check myself and think, is this something that is good for me to see every day? What they put out may not be harmful in nature, but it was harmful to me.
“I had to really check myself and think, is this something that is good for me to see every day? What they put out may not be harmful in nature, but it was harmful to me.”
Neada Deters: What parts of yourself come across on social media, and what parts of yourself don't come across? I, over time, have taught myself to become more and more private, and more and more focused on the boundaries that I want to establish between who I am in person and who I am online. I think it's so important to delineate between those two, and to only show a part of yourself that is just a scratch on the surface of the depth of who you are or who your friends might know you to be. It's so important for me that my true friends and my family know that there is more to me beyond that, and that they have a relationship that is really unique.
I also just worry so much about privacy and these assumptions that people assert when they engage with you on social media or with your content and believe they know you to such an extreme depth. A few years ago I had a few instances where it did feel that way, and so I really pulled back.
Sara Li: I think as an artist on social media, I am constantly, constantly in my feelings. But then the part of me that's on social media is editing those feelings, right? So all the purest forms of the emotions that I'm feeling – the desperation, the loneliness, the sadness, the grief, the joy, the happiness, the lovely, the affection, like all the spectrum of these feelings – but then I get on Instagram and I have to think, fuck, how can I package this into something that other people can experience too? And I do think inherently, something gets lost in that edited version. And there's no way to have the digital landscape carry the emotions that I want to display because everything has to be condensed, everything has to be in a certain format.
Erica Wright, founder of Sourcewhere: I'd say from very early on in my career, I was pretty open about my work life on social media. So I actually found it incredibly liberating, I think at the time to be able to share these moments and connect with people so quickly. I definitely used it a tremendous amount to grow my network. And early on, I think there was something quite empowering about that, especially coming straight out of university and trying to navigate my way through this fashion industry that felt very closed off and inner circle.
Ford: This one's for you, Jordan, are there any differences in the way you communicate with people online versus off?
Jordan: I think definitely, a year or two ago there was a difference in how I communicated. I think online I was a lot more confrontational and blunt and maybe had a bite to the things that I was saying. And I think this past year I've kind of reflected on that and saw the ways that it really pulled my energy from me, and I didn't really like how I was communicating online because it was affecting how I was feeling offline. So I think this year, I've been trying to align those two things and now I'm trying to communicate the same way, and just be more considered and slower to speak both online and off.
Suzanne Shade: I feel like offline me could actually learn a lot from online me. I'm a lot more considered online, and I take a lot more time, and I think about people in a much broader perspective with a lot more gentleness and a lot more empathy. And real life me actually is a little bit more short tempered, a little bit less tolerant, a little bit quicker. And I think quicker is kind of bad. So you know, I think online me actually kind of wins out on this one.
“I feel like offline me could actually learn a lot from online me. I'm a lot more considered online, and I take a lot more time, and I think about people in a much broader perspective with a lot more gentleness and a lot more empathy.”
Jordan: Is there something you've been wanting to share on the internet, but haven't? If so, why not?
Annie Tomlin: I don't talk about my older son's autism online. And that's mostly because my husband and I haven't talked about it with him. We haven't needed to, it hasn't felt like his differences have really registered with him. He's a happy kid. He loves school. He's making friends. And at some point, we'll talk about how his brain is a little different than most other people's brains, though we're not at that point yet. I think the other part of it is, that feels like his thing, right? It's not really my place as his mother to tell his story. At the same time, I'm talking about it now because there's still a stigma around autism, and there shouldn't be. I'm not embarrassed by my kid. I'm not sad for him. Most people will be like, I'm so sorry. And I want to be like, have you seen this kid? He is just boundless sunshine and joy. And there is no reason to feel sorry for him or us. But I also don't want to talk about it because I don't want to take on the emotional labor of other people's questions and concerns and sympathies or conversely, feeling the pressure to be #AutismMom. I like to have certain things be just for me and my family, and friends. And that's one of those things.
Julia Comil: When you think about the time you spent online this year, can you think of anything you would have rather done with that time? Reading for sure. Because since I have the internet on my phone, I read less and less.
Annie Tomlin: I don't even want to know how many hours I've spent online this year. I actually think it would genuinely upset me, because… This is really embarrassing. But I once wasted two hours of my day looking up trivia about Harry Styles. A man I will never meet who does not know I am alive. And yet I was like, I wonder if he was a cute toddler? Well, duh, of course, he was a cute toddler. But I know because I spent two hours looking at pictures of Harry Styles as a toddler, like what is wrong with me? And so I remember being so mad at myself once I pulled myself out of it like, you just wasted hours on something incredibly pointless, and you have this one precious life.
Julia Comil: Can you think of a conversation that should have happened in person? So, totally. One time I shared a story and a friend of mine replied to the story via comment, and I didn't like the answer. So I was very direct in my answer, and we both got upset with each other. And then we met in real life, and we were able to discuss the subject again, and to give our different point of views. And because we were in front of each other, we were more polite. And also, you know if the person in front of you had a bad day or good day, so it's not the same tone. It was really easy to discuss and, you know, to debate. And I think on social media you don't have the context when you're given information or you're receiving information. So it's very different, and it's very difficult to see the whole picture.
Ford: I want to introduce this one because it's my favorite question. I think it's *the* question – number 12 – what kind of person do you hope to be when you go out into the world every day? And how does the internet help you show up as a person? How does it get in the way? I sort of feel like all of the questions should be answered with this one in mind… If you're having all of these benefits from the internet, but it's not helping you show up as the person that you want to be, then, it doesn't really work.
Maya Moore: I hope to show up as someone who's empathetic, present, and is passionate about making fashion a more equitable place. The pictures and content I post lend themselves to that aim for the most part – at least I hope they do. But it's also a curated version of who I actually show up as. There's more photographic evidence to support the well adjusted, happy, self confident version of myself that has her activism hat on at the ready. But there are a lot of moments where I feel despondent, defeated, and like burying my head in the sand. The algorithm likes consistency, and demands showing up even if you don't want to, which isn't conducive for caring for yourself in the ways that are necessary when dealing with ableism, racism, homophobia, and the like. Instagram helps me show up as the badass I want to be, but doesn't feel as welcoming to the soft parts of myself.
Annie Tomlin: When I go into the world, I try to do so with patience, kindness, empathy – and sometimes I even manage to do it. In some ways the internet helps me do that in the sense that it is constantly sharing the perspectives of different people who may live in a different place or have a different background than I do. And so that encourages me to not make assumptions about other people, and how they may interpret a situation that we're experiencing at the same time. But I think that part of the problem for me with the internet and why I don't use it as frequently as I once did, is because it's about the tyranny of the popular. It's about constantly entertaining, or provoking a strong emotional response in people – and doing that frequently through outrageous, attention-grabbing behavior. That's just not, to me, the recipe for a healthy life and a healthy sense of self. So for me, in the real world, I find that being patient, listening, taking time to form an opinion, or being willing to say, you know, I don't know enough about this, to have an informed opinion, I need more time, so that I can develop an informed opinion. That's the opposite of the way the internet works.
Jordan: What's one thing you bought online this year that genuinely made your life better, and that you'll keep for a long time? What's one thing you bought impulsively and regret?
Julia Comil: So this year, I finally bought a ring that was under my radar for years, because I read on social media that they will increase the price of the ring, so I wanted to make sure I got the ring at the current price. I'm so happy with it, I don't know why I didn't buy it before, and I think it's a great purchase because I can give it to my daughter later. And on the other end, one time I made an impulsive purchase. I saw some sunglasses on some models on Instagram, and I thought oh my god, they look so cool with it, so I bought them. But when I'm wearing them I don't feel like it's the right vibes for me. So I regret it. And in the end, I sold them.
Ford: It's interesting, because a couple of people said that exact same story about seeing something on models on Instagram.
Jordan: Yeah, one purchase that comes to mind – I bought this low rise midi skirt, and it was white, and it was super cute, and a ton of people online were wearing it and they styled it really nice. I got in the mail, and for some reason I forgot that I'm 5’1” and don't have the same proportions, and so I looked completely ridiculous in it, and I had to send it back.
“I think that if we as daily users of social media aren't able to see numerical feedback in terms of number of likes or number of comments or number of views or anything like that, it probably would make for a much friendlier version of the internet.”
Patricia Lagmay: If you could change one thing about the internet, what would it be? I would get rid of metrics. I don't know if that would completely break the internet in a terribly bad way. But I think if companies weren't able to access data about us as easily as they currently can to advertise to us, I think that wouldn't be such a bad thing. I think that if we as daily users of social media aren't able to see numerical feedback in terms of number of likes or number of comments or number of views or anything like that, it probably would make for a much friendlier version of the internet.
Ford: Is there anyone you've been wanting to connect with? What’s stopping you from reaching out?
Jordan: No, because I reach out to everyone I want to connect with, like, to a fault.
Ford: There’s never been anyone that you haven't?
Jordan: I feel like I wear my heart on my sleeve. For example, I don't know, six months to a year ago, I reread notes in my yearbook. And I read a really sweet message from an old friend from high school, and I found him and messaged him and was like, this was really sweet and I almost cried. And now we're friends again.
Ford: That's so sweet.
Jordan: Yeah, I don't know. I do it to the point where my friends think I'm so embarrassing. I just don't have pride in that way. I think it's sweet for someone to reach out and say, hey, this reminded me of you, or, hey, I really like what you're doing with XYZ, I would love to meet you in person and grab coffee. I don't think there's anything to lose when you reach out to someone to do that. If someone finds you embarrassing, that's on them, and they're probably not a nice person. At the very least, even if they don't want to hang out, you kind of made someone's day in a way and let them know that you were thinking about them or that you admire them in some way. I don't know, I've gained so much from connecting with people on the internet, and I think that's why I wanted to ask that question. Because I know a lot of people are shy about it or are embarrassed by it. And I think that's such a disadvantage.
Jordan: When you consider your participation with content on the internet this year, like articles read, posts commented on, accounts followed, did the positive interactions outweigh the negative or vice versa?
Sara Li: I think ultimately, I'm really, really grateful for the time that I spent online this year, which is not something I probably would have said at the beginning of last year. I think now especially, I love the people that I follow, and I'm very selective about who I follow. I'm so, so proud of the things that they're amplifying and the issues that they're bringing to light. And being part of something that I can stand behind fully, that I want to see more on my feed – that has definitely made my time more enjoyable on social media. A lot of times – and I didn't realize how much this is how I meet people – someone will slide into my DMs and be like, I really like what you said about X, Y and Z, or you know, I’ll message someone be like, I love this piece of writing that you put out, or I love this photograph that you took. And that's what starts a conversation. I don't necessarily know if I would get that in real life, at least not with the same ease. So having access to people who are like minded and who inspire me and who bring my attention to new things all around me – that is so, so, so invaluable.
Jordan: What do you think women on the internet would benefit from seeing less of and why?
Beverley Imeson: I'm coming at this from the perspective of a middle aged lady who just happens to work with around 1100 teenagers in a school setting. In England. The conversations in school surrounding mental health and bullying stem in over 90% of cases from online use and misuse. Both sexes, but especially in women and girls, strive to attain the unattainable, despite workshops, conversations, therapy, etc., they still continue to feel if they don't have the flawless look of girls’ online posts, celebrities and media stars, they're worthless. Girls hide behind heavy make up and will join negative friendship groups to fit in. And this in turn leads to online bullying and posting of derogatory messages on forums like Snapchat and TikTok.
Anna, high school student: I think that whenever I spend a lot more time on social media than I normally do, I notice a significant decline in my mental health because when I am scrolling through apps like TikTok, and Instagram, I start to see a pattern of unrealistic beauty standards. And I find myself comparing myself to other girls on TikTok. I think that it turns into a really unhealthy cycle and pattern of thinking. So I think that overall isn't really adding too much to my life. So I should spend more time doing things that actually benefit my well-being.
Annie Tomlin: What do I think women on the internet would benefit from seeing less of? Well, I am a woman on the internet and I would benefit from this seeing less performative femininity. And by that, I mean, like, I wear makeup, I sometimes like to dress nice, I enjoy being a woman. But what I don't enjoy is the pressure to look a certain way to be considered an acceptable woman in our society. And I think that's changing in a lot of ways, right? We see that those really rigid gender roles are considered outdated. And yet… when I see some of the reels that are suggested to me, for instance, it is just this hyper-stylized version of womanhood, that is, frankly, rewarded by the internet. And I remember how the conversation used to be 10, 15, 20 years ago about how damaging women's magazines were for creating this impossible standard that no one could possibly live up to – not even the celebrities and models on the covers. But now with social media, it's harder to make that argument when we, as viewers, as consumers of this content, don't see everything that has gone into it, whether that's hours of prep, or a lot or a few syringes of Juvederm, or filters… we don't see that. What we see is a TikTok of someone who looks flawless. And I think that, while I'm always happy for anyone who is feeling herself, and enjoying it, and enjoys looking a certain way, like go for it – good for you. But I think that it's not really helpful for women at large, because it keeps us so hyper-focused on the way we look and tying that with our self worth. I can control who I follow and I do. But the algorithms I think, are always trying to be like, But, don't you want this hair tutorial? Look at this – look at how you could style your jeans. And again, I don't think those are inherently bad or wrong. What I find bad and wrong, is that that is kind of the default mode for women on the internet. And I think women are so much more complex than that. And the internet doesn't necessarily reflect that to us very well.
Ford: These conversations make me really hopeful for the women in my life. And it seems like we're all talking and kind of finding our way around this stuff. But it does make me wonder for young girls. Is there any way out of this? If it shapes the way you think about being a woman from such an early age… I don't know. I sort of feel like we'll be fine, but I'm not sure if they will. Is that pessimistic?
Jordan: I feel like I'm not saying anything because… I kind of feel similarly. I think we already got so fucked up, as it is, just seeing magazines and tabloids and “thinspiration” on Tumblr, that I can’t imagine just how much more that these young girls are seeing from Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat and for how many more hours a day.
Ford: Are you leaving this with any general feelings, insights? What stuck out to you?
Jordan: I think just overall, reflecting more on the time spent on social media and what I could be doing instead and also what parts I do want to keep for myself and for those closest to me. But I think the biggest thing that I want to chew on and take away from, I think, is the ways that I use social media and how other people might benefit from seeing less of the things that I post.
What about you?
Ford: I guess I just never want this to be just a conversation. I think hopefully it leads to at least one tangible act of trying something new or different.
How women are feeling about the internet this year – 21 questions answered